You may feel crazy because you love a narcissist and are afraid to leave the abusive relationship. It will be easier to help yourself out the more you know about codependency and narcissistic personality disorder. Abusive narcissists require someone who is willing to satisfy their needs and give up their own desires. Narcissists are self-destructive people with hidden low self-esteem and insatiable needs for attention and nothing to give. They become parasitically attached to a generous and caring person who avoids center stage and strives to care for others.
Expecting something from an abusive narcissist who has nothing to give can make a codependent feel crazy. Trying to pretend that the narcissist is someone they are not can drive you crazy. Many codependents have spent years negotiating with the reality of particular people in their past and present. Codependents spend years trying to get someone to love them (i.e. mom / dad) in a certain way, when that person can’t or won’t.
The development of codependency is rooted in dysfunctional family systems and occurs over a fairly long period of time. Overly rigid, dogmatic, or authoritarian types of families in which there may or may not be alcohol abuse or dependence seem to produce codependency. These families tend to emphasize discipline and control where adherence to strict and often illogical rules is rewarded. Children learn that any positive feelings about themselves depend on the mood of another person. These families may seem perfect to the neighbors, but there is a lot of pain and secrecy behind closed doors. Children learn early not to express their thoughts or feelings and to ignore family behavior problems. This family survival response effectively increases the child’s tolerance for emotionally abusive and inappropriate behavior in others.
As adults, these children are more likely to get into painful, abusive relationships with people who are untrustworthy, emotionally unavailable, or in need. Lacking rights to their feelings, these adult children tend to be indirect about their needs, deny feelings, and distrust intimacy. They start with the belief that love is sacrificing myself for my partner and putting up with whatever my partner wants to share. This is a trap to make the abusive relationship more important than yourself to yourself. Generally, codependents are constantly dissatisfied in relationships and are the ones who tend to get deeply trapped in purgatory with an abusive narcissist.
If you are codependent in a relationship with an abusive narcissist and wonder, “Why do I feel so crazy?” Time to let go of the narcissist. Time to set it free. Like your caregivers, the abusive narcissist is constitutionally incapable of loving you. That does not mean that you can no longer love that person. It means that you are ready to feel the immense relief that comes when you stop denying reality and start accepting. You release the abusive narcissist to be who he really is. You stop trying to make that person someone they are not. You face your feelings and move away from destructive attachment. You stop allowing what you don’t get from the abusive narcissist to control you and take responsibility for your life. Then the process of loving and caring for yourself begins.
Get angry, feel hurt, and land in a place of forgiveness of your own. Your life in purgatory will end. You will no longer be a victim of abuse. You will recognize that you have been mistreated and that you have allowed yourself to be mistreated. You will no longer create, seek, or re-create situations that victimized you. You are in your power and you no longer live in silent despair.
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Thanks for reading this article. I have dedicated my personal and professional life to the importance of non-violence and self-love teaching from my own experience. As a result, I have learned a lot about abuse in relationships and what it takes to end personal judgment. And, as I learn and grow, I teach self-compassion and give advice that I use myself, in the hope that it will help you improve your own life.
