Sometimes I hear from people (usually wives) who have no idea when (or if) their spouse will return to them. Sometimes you are legally separated and other times your spouse has just walked out after a fight or after announcing that he would like a break or some time to himself. Sometimes the departing spouse is in constant contact or gives you a good idea of when he might be back, and sometimes he doesn’t.
I hear from many spouses who are so tired (and nervous) of worrying when their spouse will finally come home. I recently heard from a wife who said, in part, “My husband left me six months ago. He told me he just wasn’t sure if we should be married any longer and indicated he would check in with me regularly to just hear back from me.” him a handful of times. I heard from him last week, but he didn’t sound that promising. When I’m honest about this with some of my friends, they tell me that I need to stop waiting for him to come home and just live or get on with my life. They say I’m putting everything on hold for my husband when he doesn’t deserve it. I understand what they’re saying, but the truth is I don’t want to do anything with my life right now, especially without my husband. I don’t want to see other people and I certainly don’t want to give up on my marriage. Are my friends right? Should I move on with my life? My husband hasn’t filed for divorce and hasn’t made any moves to legalize our separation. So I’m still hoping for something. But a v You know, I feel really stupid and naive for doing it.”
The time frame in which you feel comfortable waiting for your spouse to come home varies: There is no right or wrong answer for each in terms of how long it is appropriate to wait. My husband and I really fought for about a year when we broke up before we finally reconciled. I suspect he saw other people. Friends and family told me that I was delirious to keep hoping. But, like the wife in this example, she just wasn’t ready to start over. She still felt connected to my husband and involved in my marriage. And I didn’t feel like it was right for other people to impose their own time frame or their own beliefs on me.
However, I understand that some people just don’t have the patience and inclination to wait. In fact, sometimes when I hear some people ask me how long they should wait for their spouse to come home before moving on, it’s clear that they really are ready and willing to move on and are almost looking for someone to who to give they permission to do so.
While this is probably a conversation you’d like to have with your spouse, you probably both knew that if the breakup wasn’t resolved favorably, there was always the possibility that one or both of you could move on (or at least start living your lives again while waiting for a resolution). .) I don’t think you need anyone’s permission to start living again, although it might be honorable to talk to your spouse about dating, if this is what you feel is right. now.
I really didn’t think about dating other people. She was still very committed to my marriage, although I don’t think my husband was the same. They are very individual decisions. I don’t think there are necessarily right or wrong answers, although I do think it helps if you are honest and open throughout the process so no one feels cheated or cheated. And frankly, I don’t think it’s a crime to continue living your life while you’re apart. In fact, I think it can actually help you get through this process, which I’m going to talk about now.
Who says you have to stop living your life while you’re apart or living apart?: Many people (myself included) stop everything when we break up. For a while, it’s hard for us to even do basic things like go to work, eat and dress decently, and interact meaningfully with our families and friends. And it is understandable that we feel that way, but closing in on oneself does not help much.
All it ends up doing is isolating us and making us feel more closed off and depressed. There’s nothing wrong with going out to dinner with your friends, pursuing a hobby that will get you out of the house, or reaching out to other people. You certainly don’t have to date again to continue living your life. I’m being very honest when I say that isolating myself during my breakup was probably the worst decision I ever made. I became depressed and as a result, when I interacted with my husband during the separation, I was definitely not at my best. I was insecure and needy. It doesn’t surprise me that my husband didn’t want to be around me when he was behaving this way and he was avoiding me. And this really hurts my chances of reconciliation.
It wasn’t until I got tired of my own loneliness and isolation that I literally had to force myself to go out with friends, do the things I enjoyed, and just hang out. And you know what? Not only did this make me feel a little better, but it made me look more attractive and my husband soon became interested in me again, so living my life again helped me in more ways than one. It restored my confidence and optimism, and it also restored the woman my husband fell in love with in the first place. If this hadn’t happened, I honestly don’t know if we’d still be married today. So, to answer the question posed, I believe that you can live your life in this very moment, even if you are separated. And this is true even if you still love your husband very much and hope for a reconciliation.
