When a narcissist chooses a marital partner, they make sure that this person adoringly follows their example in all aspects of their lives. The narcissist expects to be perfectly mirrored, to receive from his partner: absolute loyalty, flattery, compliance, selfless service. There is an unspoken understanding that the narcissist will never admit mistakes, nor should their faults and faults be pointed out, even in the vaguest of terms. Narcissists often choose marriage partners who suffer from borderline personality disorder. These individuals are emotionally dependent and have a fragile sense of themselves as valuable individuals. The narcissist is the master; the border, the server. That’s the fix. The partner will be constantly tied up and betrayed. The narcissist holds the threat over his or her borderline spouse’s head that he or she may rashly get rid of him or her.
The individual with borderline personality disorder lives in perpetual fear of abandonment and psychological annihilation. Borderlines psychologically merge with others, often to the point where they are emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of their partner. This severe psychological handicap is described as a boundary issue. Psychological boundaries are necessary for each person to have a firm sense of who they are and to distinguish and respect each other’s individuality. The boundary has not reached this stage of development, often due to childhood trauma. His growth was stopped. Inside, he feels like a very small child, clinging desperately, begging a parent to pay attention to him, to promise not to hurt or abandon him again. The borderline suffers from a fragile sense of self and feelings of worthlessness. They are emotionally dependent on others and have poor impulse control. Some of these people go through periods of delusional thinking and paranoia, have psychotic breaks, and end up in psychiatric hospitals. Higher level limits function quite well in the world despite their psychological dependencies and unconscious feelings of worthlessness and instability. Unlike the narcissist, the borderline is capable of feeling deeply for others and can be highly empathetic.
This is a marriage made in Hades. The borderline accepts the demanding, perfectionist, self-proclaimed narcissist. Under the yoke of his psychological burden, the borderline despises his spouse as he unconsciously hated his parents as a child. He repeats this pattern into adulthood, hoping to gain the love and respect he deserved so long ago. The limit has come to the wrong place. He will not be accepted or loved for himself here. It will be exploited. Many borderline spouses stay with their abusive narcissistic partners because they are in a lot of psychological pain, suffer from low self-esteem, and are accused of being treated abusively. The cruelty of this marital arrangement mimics the painful familiar psychological patterns of childhood. The cycle continues until the narcissist decides to discard their current spouse for an updated, more attractive and compliant role model. The exhausted spouse is cast out to fend for himself. The narcissist moves on to his next great emotion with no memories or regrets. For him, it is a relief – a one-handed blow from a fly to the face.
