I’m by far the worst person to pick up girls, but you know what they say “those who can’t teach”. So here I am caught in my avoidance behavior by a stranger, no doubt someone who stumbled upon something I wrote and immediately realized that I have been living in the shadow of “getting scared”.
It’s funny that most people think I’m confident, they see me laugh, talk loud and joke around and assume it’s easy for “seemingly” extroverted people to understand. Well, the reality, as many of you may know, is that appearances are often not the depth of the person, and when you start to peel back the layers, you discover that beneath the bright, distracting exterior lies shyness, insecurity, fears and maybe even worthlessness.
He was a very ugly kid, seriously, he had big thick glasses, braces (full helmet), very tall, stooped and with long curly hair always in his face. He didn’t have much to do with it and with that came the avoidance of people; the bullying I received during my time at the French school didn’t help either. By the time I got to high school, my braces were off, my contacts were removed, my hair was pulled back, and that little French accent gave me everything I wanted in South African school.
Oh yeah! I went from being nothing to something different, and I never had to or really wanted to learn how to flirt with someone. Also, being a big fat lesbian didn’t help because she had little interest in boys, but she wanted to play and be friends with them, which seemed to make them more interested, so she cut out the challenge of learning too much.
So here I am, thirty years old, sitting in a bar with my best friend with no idea how I’m going to prove Tann (the reader I won’t soon forget!) wrong.
Well, needless to say, it was a real train wreck, but I did learn some important tips on how to flirt and pick up women.
Here goes nothing:
You have to have courage and not the liquid kind because that makes you stupid. Believe in yourself that there is something amazing worth sharing with a woman that you are also attracted to.
“Nothing risked, nothing gained”, I’m a true believer in this one. Having worked so hard in my education and related fields, I have realized that if you don’t try to fight for something, you will receive NOTHING!
This is a big one, “Don’t hesitate to draw attention!” I’m horrible at this, I see someone looking and I automatically think I have something on my face. I think they can’t be looking at me, it must be the person behind me, or they feel revulsion and can’t stop looking at the weirdness. If you suffer from this disturbing belief, put a rubber band around your wrist and every time you have that thought give yourself a little tap (WARNING: pain will be involved, for those who get turned on by that, you should try something else because it’s not! it’s supposed to be a reward!)
Have a positive attitude about flirting and be open to possibilities. Going into a situation with a “nothing is going to come out of this” attitude will get you nowhere. Using Alex’s thought “you need to come to me because I really don’t have a fucking idea” should also end and balance should be restored. Don’t allow yourself to miss opportunities, for example: you see her alone at the other end of the bar and you are with your friends and the two of you have been looking into each other’s eyes. Don’t wait for her, you should approach her because a group of people can be intimidating at times or she may be trying to be respectful in case a girlfriend is hiding somewhere.
Be honest, let out the big fat pink elephant, call it what it is, “I’m horrible at this, but I can’t stop looking at you and I’d hate to go home tonight regretting I didn’t talk to you.” One time a girl said that to me and literally turned me into a puddle on the floor, I could see how nervous and sincere she was and she got my full attention.
Agree with “thanks, but no thanks.” I know rejection sucks, in fact this week I was talking to a girl who was flirting (now that I’m an expert!) and she told me the distance was too far for her to be interested. Yes, it was in pieces and I wanted to throw up in my mouth in horror, but instead I stuck the key in the car and got over it! Just kidding, seriously!! People have needs and some will express them, just be courteous and realize that you’re not always going to meet those needs.
Learn body language, the way people look and move tells you a lot about whether to proceed or not. Large dilated pupils indicate attraction, unless they are high, then remove that. Playing with hair, fidgeting or stuttering like crazy (I hate this) is all a gift.
Finally, RELAX, do not approach the situation with the intention that she is your wife and has your ten children or that she is going to be a boom and that if she felt the same way she would have already approached you. She reframes it, walks into what she hopes will be a conversation and a journey of discovery to another person with an unknown destination. That will definitely make the adventure more interesting (Thanks Tann for that, it’s all you).
Well I’m off to Charlotte, NC PRIDE this weekend so please wish me luck with my new lessons and if I forgot anything please let me know!
Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru
