Today we spend much more time in online conversations than at any other time in the past. Unfortunately, as we become more familiar with these new communication platforms, it’s easy for us to forget the rules we adhered to on the ‘old’ communication platform. (Just to remind you, that’s when two or more people came face to face, stood just a meter apart, and sometimes even started with a handshake.) Those times taught us that good manners required that we begin any conversation with small talk of debriefing. We wondered how each other’s day was going, chatted about the weather or some other current topic; in short, we would make a human-to-human connection before getting down to business.
In the online world, however, it is as if the levels of formality have been reversed:
- Our visual presentation has become more informal. C-level negotiations now take place in shorts and thongs, and it seems that even visible clothing (upper body) has become more casual.
- Our conversation has become more formal. It is as if we believe that communication time online should be more productive. You’ve wasted the first ten minutes of your hour-long meeting just connecting everyone properly, so no time for small talk!
This is where we can severely limit the quality of our communication and the chances of any successful negotiation. Northwestern University professor Janice Nadler has found that the subtle relationship-building behavior we naturally indulge in in face-to-face communications is usually lost when we appear as talking heads on a screen. Their joint research with Michael Morris (Columbia School of Business), Terri Kurtzberg (Rutgers School of Business), and Leigh Thompson (Northwestern University) showed that spending just five minutes on small talk resulted in negotiations in which the participants they cooperated more, shared more information, made fewer threats, and developed more trust.
Recently, I was hosting a meeting with several attendees. As is standard practice, I saw earlycomers go to the waiting room until, just before the official start time, I let them into the meeting. So I felt guilty when I compared this to a face-to-face situation. Would you let earlycomers outside until start time? No, that would be impolite. I’d invite them in, congratulate them on being early, start making connections. So, now, I remember my manners. I greet people who come to my online meetings as they arrive, giving them time for small talk. In short, I remember my manners and make better connections online.
