Let’s talk about the inner critic. We all have one. That little voice within that prevents us from taking risks, that finds the flaws in every plan, that finds something to criticize us for, even on our best day. I ran mine this week, probably because I was having too much fun. Every time life is good and I really enjoy it, that annoying voice appears. Inevitably, before long, that voice hit my self-esteem and brought clouds to my sunny day. The Inner Critic is a chameleon that changes shape and form, making it hard to spot. Perhaps your inner critic has become so strong that you are actually outwardly critical of others and terribly critical of yourself. As you read this, you may be listening to your own inner critic, who will negate every sentence (“Oh no, I’M OVER THAT!”) or use it as ammunition (“See, one MORE thing to work on… (I’m NEVER going to make it!) Stick with me to the end, and you’ll have some tools to disarm and transform the inner critic.
1. Give it a face
The inner critic is so insidious because it pretends to be you. Many of my clients ask me how to distinguish between their own voice and the other voices, the critical voice, the child in need, the rebel, or the voices of their parents. The way to start sorting the thoughts in your head is to notice which thoughts belong to which part of you. Your needy child part will sound very different from your rebellious part, even though they may be saying the same thing. Giving your inner critic a face helps you identify him and not let him fool you into thinking he’s telling the truth about who you are. What is your inner critic like? Is it he or she? Is she a stern schoolteacher or pushy boss? Is he tall, short, bony or fleshy? Is he dressed in intimidating professional gear or does she look like a personal trainer gone bad? Once you imagine what this voice would look like, you may begin to see that he is just a part of you and that he should not have permission to drive the bus of your life.
2. Give it a voice
When we don’t hear what’s going on inside, the voices get louder and louder. This can result in nightmares (the subconscious mind trying to send you a message), strained relationships (because you start to see other people as the problem), or, in the most extreme cases, accidents or illness. In the last scenario, you’ve gotten so far away from what you really need that your body steps in and forces you to slow down and have some time to reflect on your choices up to this point. Unfortunately, many people spend their recovery time taking pain relievers and other medications, then plunge back into their lives, missing out on the opportunity for self-reflection that accidents and illness provide. In this step, we recognize that we carry innate wisdom and we need to make time to listen to the voices within. Your inner critic has something to tell you, and if you look behind the attack (“You’re so lazy/ugly/stupid/scruffy”, etc.) you’ll see that this part of you is trying to protect you in some way. Listen to your critic, without taking what he has to say seriously. You may notice that the voice is one you inherited, that you are simply repeating to yourself something that someone else told you a long time ago. Instead of ignoring the voice, give it a defined air time.
3. Make it redundant
What happens when companies modernize? When self-service kiosks and automatic ticket machines appear, someone’s job becomes redundant. When machines can do what human hands used to do, someone is replaced. We don’t like it when that happens, but we accept it as part of an evolving society. Your task in this phase is to let your inner critic know that your work has become redundant. Because? Because he’s looking to fill a new position for a person who will point out the wonders in his life. You’re looking for someone who will show you opportunities and help you distill the facts so you can make informed decisions without feeling bad about yourself. You can thank your inner critic for his years of service and let him know that you no longer need his skill set. You can make him an offer to change apartments, and now he can be in charge of warning you when something really dangerous is about to happen (since she’s so good at spotting trouble!) It may seem strange to him to have a true inside. dialogue, but I know you would have one anyway. Often, self-talk leads to feeling stuck, paralyzed, or discouraged. In this step, you are bringing that conversation into awareness.
4.Welcome home
All of our parts developed from a particular life experience. The inner critic is formed to protect the enthusiastic and optimistic part of ourselves that all children have. At some point, that part burned, and criticism arose from that pain. The critic’s role is to make sure you don’t come off as foolish and to help you succeed. Unfortunately, his style and approach are often more damaging than hurtful. When you welcome the critic home, when you make space for his voice without the pressure of the formal job description he’s always had, it becomes a useful and important part of your internal dialogue. Some teachers advocate banishing parts of ourselves that no longer serve us. I think this model does not work. We can see an example of this if we look at what is happening in the prison system in democratic countries around the world. By simply banishing the bad guy, we don’t acknowledge the bigger issues that contributed to him becoming that type of person. So don’t eliminate your inner critic, make room for his voice and let him know he’s welcome. This will help the inner critic to transform. Just like with people, those who feel like they don’t belong and have nothing to lose are the most dangerous. Make this part of you feel like it belongs, and that you really do with the good judgment it offers, and it will stop being a stressor and start becoming a solution seeker.
This takes practice. The inner critic is in all of us, and some families raise their children with nothing but criticism. Those who are the most externally critical are the same people who are very hard on themselves. If the problem is not your inner critic, but rather someone external who is constantly criticizing you, I would challenge you to identify the part of you that has been viciously whispering the same things, whether about yourself or someone else. And what replaces criticism? Gratitude, of course.
