I can really relate to most of the separated couples I talk to and listen to. I remember feeling so lost and adrift during my own separation. It may sound dramatic, but I really felt like I was without an anchor. Most of us are married for a relatively long period of time before our marital separation and some of us date our spouse before marrying him. This means that for part of our life, we were used to sharing that same life with our spouse. Our routines revolved around him. Our identity is tied to being his spouse. Feeling good with the world means having him in it.
This is why things can feel so bad when you just broke up. I used to tell people that for a while I felt like I was walking through life with one arm tied behind my back. This feeling can be even more discouraging when you want to save your marriage but don’t get any positive feedback from your spouse. As a result, your gut, your heart, and your friends may be telling you that it’s in your best interest to move on. But this is easier said than done. If you’re having so much trouble dealing with separation right now, how hard will it be to deal with a divorce? Most of us are desperate to feel better, but we don’t know what we need to want for that to happen.
Someone might say, “I just broke up and I’m struggling. This surprises me a bit because before I got married, I was extremely independent. So I was hoping to fall back into this once I broke up and might even enjoy it.” my freedom. This has not happened. Instead, I feel like I’m wobbling. I really don’t know what to do with myself. I end up bothering my kids too much. My estranged husband is still very distant. I desperately like to make up with him, but I have a feeling this isn’t going to happen any time soon. Some of my friends tell me that I need to focus my attention on myself and on other things. But this is very undesirable for me. I really just want to hope my husband recovers, but maybe I’m kidding myself. I want to hope and pray at night for what’s going to make this better, but I don’t know what that is. “
I fully identify with what you say. Every night, I also say prayers. When my husband and I got married, I would give thanks that my family was safe and under the same roof. But during my separation, I couldn’t say the same and it really broke my heart, so I asked my husband to be safe under his own roof. In my experience, you really have to analyze this day by day. Sometimes you even have to break the day into small, manageable chunks.
The reason for this is that it is simply impossible to see the future. You can’t control what your husband will feel or what he wants. You only have control over yourself. That complicates things, but also allows some leeway in how you choose to move forward. For me, some days I literally just had to hope things didn’t get any worse. That’s how bad he felt some days. Then other days, I just hope that something will make that day better than the last. After a while, he was actively taking inventory of what he had improved. As a result, I was actively trying to take control of my days so that I could see an improvement. This meant that I suddenly went out of my way to visit friends, do charity work and take a few classes.
Eventually, I diverted some of my focus from my marriage because my estranged husband was not receptive to me at the time. I felt very sad and discouraged about it, but as he focused more on myself and improving my own situation, my husband noticed this and actually improved our chances of reconciliation.
So as far as what to wish for, I think maybe you just want the wisdom to take daily action that is in your best interest. Some days you may not be able to focus as much on your marriage because your husband will be distant. On those days, you may see family or friends. But always ask yourself what you are doing to move forward or to feel better.
