Battered women blame themselves for many things. That is the inevitable consequence of domestic violence. In this article we will focus on just one aspect of domestic violence; that’s mental, emotional abuse. Generally, the things that women who have experienced domestic violence blame themselves for fall into one of two categories: things that are not their fault and things that are not important in the grand scheme of things. .
Things that are not your fault include:
- Make a mess of individual situations. The outbursts of their partners are always, somehow, his fault.
- spoil the relationship (Actually, they are the ones trying to keep it together.)
- be stupid (They are not, although they will honor the unfortunate choice of loving a man who is not worthy of them.)
- To be too old, or too young. (They’re the age they are. It takes a special kind of idiot to turn around one day and tell someone who’s 21, 41, or 71, that they’re suddenly unacceptable
- Be ugly. (Living a life of ugliness is enough to make anyone feel ugly, but the ugliness is in the abusive man’s eyes, not his partner’s.)
- Not being good enough. (Good enough for who, for God’s sake? And how did that happen? The abusive man make a mistake in selecting his wife in the first place? Or do you operate a sliding scale?)
- Being unsuccessful as women. (That’s what they’re told. What it means is that they’re not the perfect cross between a slave and a supermodel. Not that their partner is the spitting image of George Clooney! But that doesn’t count.)
Things that are not important include:
- His weight. (It’s perfectly possible to be overweight, underweight, or the perfect weight and be loved. But not by an abusive man, because they make an art of finding fault with everything about you.)
- Your past mistakes. (They are in the past, after all. Fortunately, abusive men know they will never be judged for their mistakes.)
- Their education.
- Her family – because an abusive woman is not responsible for her family of origin.
The mistakes that battered women make have nothing to do with the alleged crimes that their partners reproach them for. These errors are errors in judgment that battered women make unconsciously and that cause them enormous suffering.
the 7 mistakes
1) Turn a blind eye to his first unacceptable tantrums. You say you do it because you love it. Interpret your acceptance as collusion. In his eyes, you’ve given him clear proof that you’re a doormat.
2) Trying again and again make the abusive relationship work. When an abusive partner has told you, either through words or actions, 3, or 4, or 5 times, that they don’t value you or the relationship, you have to believe it. He is offering you her mission statement. Time to head for the hills.
3) Make excuses for him. Why would you feel compelled to improve his behavior when you are willing to excuse him? Your excuses give him carte blanche to continue behaving as badly, or worse, than in the past.
4) Feeling responsible for him. The moment comes when you say; I’ve had enough. It’s over. He has foreseen that day, and he is ready. He lights the crocodile tears. He tells you that he cannot live without you. He has taken this for him to discover how much he loves you. From now on, he will be a good boy. But he needs you to help him. You agree, and he’s back on track. Once again, he has you to carry him. Will he change? Nope.
5) Minimize. He behaves like a scoundrel, and you know it. But you say to yourself: “He had a difficult childhood.” “He has had difficulties at work, or he is out of work.” “It’s just the drink talking.” Bad behavior is still bad behavior. He has no right to turn on you, until you let him.
6) Cover up. Your relationship is horrible. But you don’t want the world to know. So you put on a brave face. That is collusion. Once again, you are giving him permission to behave as badly as he wants. Because everything will be behind closed doors. In fact, while playing Loyal Little Woman, he may be spraying poison on you. If you change your tune, who do you think they’ll believe?
7) Believe in fairy tales. Of course, you do not consciously believe in fairy tales: you are a grown woman, not a child, after all. But unconsciously, you’re still stuck playing Beauty and the Beast. I don’t know if you put the Handsome Prince or the Beast first. I know who you live with. That rose has fallen to the last petal, the only time she dances the crockery and cutlery is when she gets angry, and the Beast is still Beast. That’s all it will be. It’s time to get real. And, if any other naive woman wants to play Beauty and the Beast with him, good luck to her. Reality is not like fairy tales. One key difference to note: In the real world, when you meet someone for the first time, they’re on their best behavior, wearing their most attractive mask. With abusers, it’s all one way from there: downhill. The behavior degenerates, the mask falls off, the result is a lot of misery for you. Period.
The real mistakes women make in abusive relationships have nothing to do with flaws or shortcomings. It’s about being too willing to continue to believe the best of someone who tries so hard to show you what an idiot they are. Abusive men don’t give you too many gifts. Showing you how nasty and insensitive they can be is the best gift you can get in a lousy situation. Gently accept it, before your abusive partner continues to punch you in the face. And move on.
One thing they never tell you in fairy tales is that the beautiful maiden doesn’t really need a man to be happy. she alone think she does. But when she learns to be truly happy in and of herself, she will attract a much better kind of man than a Beast/Prince.
