JUSTIN: Forgive me for daring to question the United States, but after losing the World Baseball Classic to none other than Canada, I think it’s time to take a look at the American mindset when it comes to team sports.
I mean looking at the last two years, the US hockey team went 1-3-1 in this year’s Olympics.
HOG: Wow! What a coincidence! 1-3-1 are also the measurements of Mary-Kate Olsen
JUSTIN: USA Basketball just won bronze at the Summer Olympics. USA Baseball is 1-1 and in danger of being kicked out of the WBC!
HOG: Yes, it’s true. But it’s only because, as a nation, the United States has shifted its primary focus from sports to making high-quality automobiles. LOL!
JUSTIN: Is the rest of the world catching up to the US or is our All Star team shipping system flawed? I think the US basketball team, after taking a beating at the Olympics by Argentinians with wispy mustaches, finally figured out the system and made the right decision by picking their team 3 years in advance.
This is a great idea because it will allow you to play in the games and freeze together as a team long before the next Olympics. My question is why has it taken so long for the powers in charge to realize this and why hasn’t USA Hockey and USA Baseball done the same?
HOG: Why are we losing? Because this is what happens when you send a man to do a boy’s job. Professional athletes don’t care as much as amateurs. Just like in porn. Watch the pure glee on the faces of the amateur pornstars as they perform, unlike the jaded and seen-it-all veterans of countless sequels to Big Tit Nurses Meet Giant Black Meat with foot fetishes.
JUSTIN: Right, but if you were to ask Jenna Jameson to f*ck for her country, I’m pretty sure she’d go out of her way to please her partner! Don’t get me wrong though, I realize there is a lot of money involved and a commitment to the contracts that the players have with their respective teams, but it’s not like we’re asking these players to join the military and risk their lives. I think I could forgive Tim Duncan or Rip Hamilton for being exhausted in the NBA Finals if it was because they played the entire season with a huge gold medal hanging around their necks.
HOG: Man, a lot of NBA players USED to wear huge gold medals around their necks… but the new dress code forbids it.
JUSTIN: Haha good point. I applaud any of the players who have played or are currently playing for the US and I won’t criticize his effort because, unlike some players, they didn’t retire and hide behind some useless excuse. In any other country in the world it’s an honor to represent your country, but here in the US it seems like most of the time it’s a burden.
HOG: I’ll never be… your beast of burden… Man, the Rolling Stones still rule.
JUSTIN: In other countries a player is excused when there is a match and he is playing for his national team. Why can’t the United States do that? Owners like George Steinbrenner, who are angry that their players are representing their countries instead of playing in a pointless spring game, should get their ass kicked.
HOG: Come on man, it’s always about the money. The money of Major League Baseball vs. George Steinbrenner’s money. Baseball, Inc. is trying to market its game in other countries. See all those people in the stands? I don’t think your ticket price goes to charity.
JUSTIN: Yeah, but the WBC is hosting 3 games in America, so we’re still benefiting from that.
HOG: George Steinbrenner is LOSING money because of this. His Spring Training is big business in Tampa. One could argue that the World Baseball Classic is bad for American business. Who visits TAMPA on vacation?
Neither. Except to see the Yankees stars in Spring Training. I estimate that because of the World Baseball Classic, Tampa employees like waitresses, hotel staff and bar owners lost $1.5 billion an hour.
JUSTIN: I mean, seriously, wouldn’t playing in the World Baseball Classic HELP Barry Bonds’ reputation of being a dick-using steroid?
HOG: No. Because the World Baseball Classic has more stringent testing for steroids and the like. The World Baseball Classic will only PROVE that Barry Bonds is a steroid user without a penis.
JUSTIN: In the NHL, hockey is put on hold for 3 weeks so all players can compete in the Olympics, which is to be applauded, why can’t baseball do the same?
HOG: Baseball can’t do the same thing because baseball has more than 7 fans. Furthermore, the NHL and its 7 viewers are also charged with their season lasting 17 months.
JUSTIN: Did everyone forget about the 1972 Olympics where the US lost the gold medal due to bad officiating and REFUSED to accept their silver medals?
HOG: Wow. Did that really happen? Cold! Because something very similar happened to me at Silbert Day Camp in the Catskill Mountains. See, in Color War, our team should have won the Kickball Tournament, except for a hotly contested pegging call.
JUSTIN: Has everyone forgotten the Miracle on Ice, where a group of unknown US hockey players went on one of the most unlikely runs in history and won a gold medal? Probably not, but if you have ESPN Classic or a VCR, you need to watch these clips because that’s what it’s like to represent your country in international competition.
HOG: Imagine there are no countries,
It is not hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
Without religion too,
imagine all the people
living life in peace…
Wow! Hoo-dee-hoo!
I just invented. Like?
JUSTIN: That’s great, you should do a duet with Yoko, I’m pretty sure she’s free.
Those players weren’t just happy to be there or just to represent their country. They were there to show that America has the best athletes on the planet.
HOG: I think international competition is dumb. It only works for
separate people, when in fact, we should be united by our common love for boobies.
It is an outdated way of thinking. Dividing people by country is just as stupid as dividing people by religion. Why not have the Religion Olympics? Jews vs. Muslims in bracket A. Protestants vs. Catholics in bracket B? Oh yes, we already have that. It’s called Jihad.
JUSTIN: Maybe in 2016, when the Olympics are held in Palestine, you’ll get your wish that the first Olympics of religion will be hosted by none other than Snagglepuss from the Laughing Olympics! But whether or not we have the best athletes is not the point, my point is that killer instinct, that pride in one’s own country seems to be missing in our players and as a fan, as an American, it’s just a frustrating watch.
HOG: What’s REALLY frustrating to watch is right before the big money shot when they show the boy’s face wincing. Yuck! I’m trying to time my shit to coordinate with the end of the video and now I’m baffled by this ugly guy’s shit face! I hate that!
JUSTIN: From what I hear, it’s a miracle at Spice that you lasted all the way to the money shot!
