“Yoyuu” is a Japanese term near and dear to my heart. Made up of the kanji for “extra” and “abundance”, it can’t actually be translated directly. “Permission,” “wiggle room,” and “breathing room” are all acceptable definitions. Having “Yoyuu” means that you have the presence of mind to give your children the care and attention they deserve and require.
An example from our own home may illustrate: One of the first challenges we face in the morning is getting our children to school on time. Just this morning, the older brother wanted to play on the computer and his sister still hadn’t gotten out of bed as the clock ticked down.
Mom and dad also have jobs. Our battle at the “genkan” (the entrance to a Japanese house) is NOT precisely when we have “yoyuu”, and unfortunately not when we are doing our best as parents! Children seem to have a sixth sense for when adults are under time pressure, and they seem to be less cooperative the more we need them.
For our parties, tensions are high, tempers are low. “Hurry up!” “Dress!” “You’re going to be late!” These loving phrases, uttered in rising tones of hysteria, seldom prompt our children to happily finish their breakfast, wash their hands, put on their jacket, and head out the door.
Compare the hustle and bustle of the “no yoyuu” morning to that time at the end of the day, when you’re tucking your kids into bed. Yes, getting the kids to bed can be a challenge, but for the sake of discussion, let’s imagine that your angels are under the covers, with their heads on the pillow.
In Japanese homes, the entire family often sleeps together on futons spread out on tatami mat floors. This is one of my favorite parts of the day: no schedules, no clocks, no school buses to miss, and no phone calls to answer.
“How was your day, Dad?” of the 5 year old. I share some stories. “How about yours, sound?” I try not to let opportunities like this pass me by. “Fine,” he says. “Kenji fell and had to get a Band-Aid. We played cards. The snacks were good.” Before long, he and his sister are falling asleep. “I love you, dad. See you in the morning…”
In the evenings, when the schedules are over and the day is done, we naturally have a lot of “yoyuu” or emotional resources, room to breathe, to have meaningful and loving communications with our children.
The trick then is to get more “yoyuu” even in the middle of the day, even when we feel rushed or pressured. In fact, the way we communicate with our children alone can give both parents and children a feeling of “yoyuu” that can lead to deeper and more effective communication between both parties.
