Stay calm when disaster strikes
My mom called me because her husband (my stepfather) was about to pass away. This is what he had heard from the doctor in the emergency room. (He did it a few days later). I was distraught as you can imagine and needed support. Hearing this news, I also lost my cool. It was painful to listen, also confusing, what am I going to do for her? How can I fix it?
We learn in Proactive Communication that fixing is not useful, the focus on fixing is for me, to dilute the pain I feel. I felt a lot of pain and confusion watching my mother suffer, so I want to heal her with suggestions, sympathy and education. What my mom really wanted was for it to be understood how difficult this moment is for her, for an empathic connection. I realized that I was adopting an old way of communicating and stopped. I went from wanting to fix it to offering myself empathy for myself.
Are you surprised? Remember the oxygen mask technique on the plane, take care of yourself and give yourself oxygen first, then help others. The same in my situation, I needed to be calm, functional and balanced instead of making decisions in a dysfunctional state. I gave myself the empathy of first aid and then was able to offer the understanding and calm that my mom needed. There is no way he could have done this in a dysfunctional state.
So before you start helping others or making decisions, stay calm and balanced. Decisions and suggestions will be easier and more effective. These are the steps to first aid empathy. It will be helpful to write this.
1: Express all your judgments, all the duties of the situation. This is a time to be honest and let go of whatever you are thinking negatively. Don’t worry, we’ll get beyond this in a moment. It can be a paragraph or pages.
2: As you write, if any emotion develops, write it down. The feelings can be sadness, pain, loneliness, exhaustion, etc.
3: Also write the values or needs that are not being met. This step is the healing step as you identify the values. The emotional pain will go away. It will help you calm down so you can be supportive. We call it a sweet sadness. You will want to sigh at this point. It is a good sign to sigh while releasing the pain. It is also the beginning of your grieving period.
Our values are important to identify since they are vital energy, our spirit. During the duel we want to identify these values, since it gives us an idea of why our energy level is low. When someone passes away, the values they knew also go away. We must mourn these needs or values. Some of these values are love, security, understanding, integrity. As you do this exercise, you will feel the energy return, all by identifying these values. Grief is a value that we all have and this step must be processed. It could take a few days or a few years. But whenever you have feelings of depression, identify the needs that are not being met.
In a way, we are celebrating this step as we list the values that our own met. We try to be thankful and feel sweet sadness, not depressed sadness. For example, my stepfather, who was in a concentration camp and who loved me like his own son, met many needs for me as I grew older. He learned the values of integrity, strength, love for my mother and me, trust, stability, many, many needs. By listing these needs, I feel that sweet sadness again and now more energy.
This is a powerful technique to regain the energy needed to help others overcome their pain. You can ask the grieving person what needs this person met or even try to guess. Watch their energy appear as they honor this person.
