There is an old quote that says, “A shared pain is a pain cut in half.”
Parents can be very comfortable with the universality of sibling rivalry. In fact, from the beginning of time, the planet’s first two brothers, Cain and Abel, refused to get along. The result was that Cain killed his brother! Fortunately, we can (hopefully!) Be sure that our children are not about to murder their sister or brother. However, this reassurance really provides little comfort in the face of almost constant fighting, teasing, and arguing.
Is there something we parents do to eliminate sibling rivalry?
When evaluating any human behavior, it is helpful to examine the emotions and thoughts that precede the behavior, which will allow us to fully understand and rectify the problem at hand.
What are the thoughts that are likely to occupy the mind of a mother or father whose children are arguing? Often the parent takes responsibility for the children’s misbehavior and subconsciously concludes that it is a personal failure in him or her. The thought process travels along these lines: “If my son can behave this way, then it has to be my fault and therefore I am a failure as a parent.”
As a result of parents’ feelings of inadequacy, parents will instinctively try to “fix” the child, who rarely responds positively, and his behavior usually deteriorates further. As the parent becomes more enraged, he often becomes angry at the perceived cause of the feelings of inadequacy – the child!
When parents correctly allow themselves to feel less personally and fully responsible for all aspects of their children’s behavior, much of the anger can be removed from the above scenario.
Once the negative emotions of anger and frustration have been removed from the picture, a parent can move on to the next productive step: Don’t Get Involved!
Except for serious physical damage or less than 3 or 4 years of age, it is advisable that parents do not intervene in a discussion in which they have not participated. When young children require their parents to intervene, it should be done simply to separate the combatants and not to take sides in the fight. Firmly removing the toy that has caused the conflict or placing children in different rooms to play will teach young children that they will not win any points in the competition for parental love by drawing their parents into sibling rivalry. If Mom or Dad was in the habit of trying to solve every fight by playing umpires, it will take some time to unlearn those habits, but they can be accomplished and produce tremendously peaceful results.
Obviously, it is not recommended that parents become indifferent to their children’s disputes. Just as parents do a host of other developmental learning skills, such as walking or biking, children can best help their children by walking away and not jumping into the fields.
The common cry and initial reaction of parents reading these words is, “Oh no! The fight will get worse if I don’t stop them!” Yes, maybe I will. In the long run, sibling rivalry will decrease significantly.
The bottom line is that parents cannot always be there for their children during confrontations that occur during childhood or adulthood. Children must learn to deal with their differences effectively, regardless of their parents.
Your children will learn important social skills when they are forced to figure out how to negotiate their differences for themselves. That’s an invaluable lesson that parents can only teach by taking a step back.
