What do you do when a close friend files for divorce or seriously thinks about it? It can be a challenge to be supportive but objective in your intentions. The task involves much more than offering a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.
Here are some helpful tips:
1. Offer your support and be there for him or her. Back it up with action. Be prepared for calls at odd times when you need their moral or emotional support.
2. Avoid getting into attacks on the spouse. If he or she wants to express frustration, let him or her. But while offering your attention, avoid falling into smearing the absent spouse. Offering support does not automatically mean that you have to criticize your spouse.
3. Be a source of positive and calm energy. This can be challenging as many (but not all) divorces tend to be acrimonious. Encourage calm and peaceful solutions. Avoid making suggestions that arouse insecurity and suspicion.
4. A stressed and distracted person is likely to have many tasks to do. Offer to help them complete them. These could include jobs like paying bills or picking up kids from school.
5. Offer assistance in calculating and estimating expected monthly expenses for child support or court settlements. Organizing documents and bills requires time and concentration that the friend may not have on hand at the time.
6. Encourage her to share the children with the father. Women are often tempted to inflict ‘punishment’ on their spouses by threatening to cut off their access to children. Gently explain that children need both parents in the post-divorce phase.
7. Introduce the friend to divorce support groups in your area. It is helpful and therapeutic to meet other people who have been through the same experience. Meditation classes and yoga groups also offer effective inner healing techniques.
8. Encourage him to socialize with close friends. Watching a movie or laughing with a supportive group of friends will help you get over stress faster.
9. If you know both spouses well, avoid getting into the middle of the fight. Listen but avoid engaging in personal discussions involving the other spouse.
It’s not easy being a good friend while offering objective guidance and support to a close friend in the midst of a divorce. Not all divorces are bitter. Regulate your reaction according to what you see. If your friend needs some personal space to herself, be sensitive enough to acknowledge that need.
