It’s common for me to hear from people who wonder if “backing up” a bit during the separation of marriage is a good idea. Many suspect that it might help their situation a bit, but fear that if they back off, it will allow their spouse to drift even further away from them. I heard a wife say, “I’ve been separated from my husband for four months. It’s been four hellish months. I miss him so much. I hate looking at the table and seeing his empty seat. I hate not knowing where he is or what he’s feeling. Always I feel like calling or texting him. I talk to him several times a day. And I find myself always wanting to ask him how he is feeling or if he is considering coming back home. Sometimes he gets very frustrated with me and cuts off the contact me for a few days. He says I need to give him more space, but I feel very anxious when I even consider doing this. I’m worried that if I’m not constantly checking on him, he’ll start to move away from me. Is it a good idea to back off when you’re apart? And if so, how do they start doing it? I can’t imagine not being in contact with him every day. How do you back off when your heart is still so committed? I’ll try to address these things in the next article.
From my own experience, I can tell you that going back can sometimes help a lot. And yes, it can be very uncomfortable at first. You may feel like you are losing control. But, here is something to keep in mind. You are consciously choosing to give up control so that you can take back more control in the future.
Why stepping back during a separation can be helpful: Often the idea behind a separation is to give the marriage (and the people within the marriage) some time to reflect on the situation without each other’s constant presence. The general idea is that this gives them a perspective that they might not have had if they had been together constantly. As risky as it sounds, the result can be that both people like and miss each other and, as a result, come back to the table with a new commitment to work things out.
However, sometimes this process is interrupted when a person is not willing to give the space that is needed. This is understandable because not being with someone who has been a constant in your life feels strange and scary. It is absolutely normal to want to hold on tighter when you sense something is being taken away from you. But what you need to understand is that when you hold on so tightly that your spouse becomes resistant, you are actually increasing the chances that the thing you fear most, your spouse, will drift further and further away from you.
The logistics of moving back. How do you do it when it’s the last thing you want to do?: I must say that most spouses understand the reasoning behind backing down. And many have gotten such poor results from being too strong that they know it’s probably a good idea to try another approach. That being said, many are terrified and extremely uncomfortable with the idea of going back, even a little.
They just can’t figure out how to start putting this plan into action. They dread the thought of a day without hearing from their spouse. I completely understand because I’ve been there. Sometimes you really just have to take this on a day to day basis. You have to be very aware of your actions when you text or call for the fifth time in the morning. If you need to stop and go for a walk or journal or even exercise, that’s perfectly fine.
Often you will need to distract yourself, especially at first. It really helps keep you very busy. If you have good friends who can make sure you get out of the house and connect with others (instead of withdrawing into yourself), then share your goals with them. I know it may be hard to believe right now. But often, it is very beneficial for you to take time to work on yourself. Spending time with yourself simply listening to your own thoughts and desires will help you approach saving your marriage in a more genuine and authentic way because it will make it more likely that you both will recognize and ask for what you want. It honestly helps when you approach your spouse as an equal partner.
Be careful taking this too far: Some wives really start to see some improvements with the “back off” approach and think they should push a little harder. So they will take it so far that they will pretend that maybe they want to see other people. Now, if her husband starts communicating with them, they won’t return her calls. I think there is a point where you can take this too far for this strategy to actually do you more harm than good. When her husband starts to get close to you, she then wants to walk the fine line between being receptive but not moving too fast too soon.
To answer the question posed, I believe that when done correctly, stepping back in a calculated and balanced way during a separation can be helpful because it gives your spouse time to miss you and it gives both of you an opportunity to work on yourselves and figure out what’s wrong with you. that you can give to the relationship when you get back together. I know from experience that it’s not always easy, but it can certainly be worth it.
