Sometimes I hear of people who thought long and hard before finally telling the truth about their affair. This is a decision they did not take lightly. Often they came and went. They debated internally. They even reached out to trusted friends and asked for their advice. And, in the end, they decide that the right thing to do is simply to tell the truth. But when they finally do, the worst case scenario occurs and they are faced with the prospect of losing their spouse and his family. So, they have to admit to themselves that it may have been better to do the wrong thing and lie.
You might hear a comment like, “I had an affair with a man who was taking yoga at the same time as me. I never intended for the relationship to be anything other than friendship. And even when I crossed the line, I never had any intention of leaving someone else.” my husband and my family. So i broke up with the other man. and i stayed away from him. but my husband had his suspicions and i started having to answer a lot of questions. i made a lot of my friends if i told them the truth about the affair. Everyone told me that I should lie and do whatever I had to so my husband would never know the truth. But this felt wrong. Every time I was around my husband, I felt horrible guilt. I felt that he was the kind of person who he didn’t even deserve it so i decided to tell him the truth i really thought he would be devastated but he would support me because we have been together for so long and we have a family that is very important to both of us well as soon as i told the truth to my husband left. And he hasn’t come back. And he says that he’ll probably never be able to forgive me. He says that he will be warm and accepting of me because he knows that this is important to our children. But he also says that I have crossed a line that can never be undone. I feel like telling the truth made me lose everything. He wishes he had lied.”
I hear this very often. Most of the time, the cheating spouse is really trying to do the right thing. But they feel they have been punished for it. And they can’t help but wonder if they’d still be happily married if they’d been smart enough to keep their mouths shut. It can be excruciating to know that there is no way to undo your confession. Once the cat is out of the bag, there is no way to put it back.
Since you can’t get it back, make the most of it: Since you can’t go back now, I feel like you might as well work with what you have. Yes, your spouse is furious, and the consequences of this are very challenging and terrifying. But I can tell you that things can and do calm down. Spouses can and do reconsider. I can also tell you that I often hear of people struggling with the guilt of living a lie. So keeping this to yourself also has big downsides. You run the risk of your spouse finding out that he has been lying. Believe it or not, the consequences are usually worse then. At least in this scenario, your spouse cannot deny that he did the right thing by telling the truth and being honest. In the end, that sometimes does count for something. It may take a while for the shock to wear off and for your spouse to stop lashing out at you. I know waiting is hard.
Consider the downside of continuing to lie: As a spouse who has been cheated on before, I’ll admit that I think telling the truth is the right thing to do. It is the first step to taking responsibility and restoring trust. If you had continued to lie, your spouse would always know about it and might have a hard time getting over it. And, you would know it too and you might have trouble looking in the mirror.
I know that telling the truth may seem like a mistake right now. But, that’s only because you’re dealing with difficult consequences. In truth, you may have still had to deal with these consequences later when your spouse found out. And, it could have been even worse at the time because you were still cheating.
At least this way, you have vented and shown enough respect and care for your spouse to tell them the truth. I can tell you from experience that his pride is deeply hurt and he is questioning what he thought he knew about your marriage. this is painful. You can understand why he is struggling the way he is. You can understand why he is angry and hurt. But, he may not act this way forever. You can help your cause by being patient with him and continuing to insist that you love him and therefore want to take responsibility for your actions. He may have to be patient. You may need to give his spouse time. And you may have to work tirelessly to get him to consider giving you a second chance. But I don’t think being honest after a deception is a wrong decision. It is the first step to make things right.
