On your wedding day, you imagine growing old with that man standing at the altar with you. The idea is that the two of you navigate the good and bad days of life together. On this day, virtually none of us imagines that this ideal will not come to pass.
That’s why it can be so shocking when your spouse seeks a separation or refuses to reconcile after one, while telling you that he’s not sure he envisions a “happily ever after” future with you after all. However, he announces that he is not sure he wants to grow old with you.
Someone might talk about a scenario like this: “For the last six months, my husband has been moping around the house, usually talking about how unhappy I make him. Two months ago, he moved out. The breakup honestly wasn’t that bad.” I was afraid it would be, because we saw each other a lot and had some wonderful conversations. We also came to some understandings during that time. So I honestly thought that we could reconcile eventually. take it badly Love you. But honestly, I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m still a relatively young man. ‘I have a lot of time left and I don’t know if it’s right to spend it with someone who is so different from me and with whom I often have conflicts.’ I didn’t know how to answer this. Yes, sometimes we clashed due to our different personalities. But this used to create a spark. I can’t imagine my life without my husband. I don’t want to grow old without him. What can I do?”
These words may just be an extension of your initial unhappiness: I don’t think you need to press him for a final answer right now. His words were unfortunate, but they probably stemmed from the same confusion, frustration, and unhappiness that caused the breakup in the first place. Just because he can’t imagine a future with you right this second doesn’t mean he can never imagine a future with you.
Read the clues it’s giving you: I know it may not sound like an advantage right now, but your husband has given you some clues as to where your reserves are. This is very important. You know that he feels that the two of you do not effectively resolve the conflict that occurs due to your different personalities. This is something that has already been identified. And because of that, it can also be addressed and fixed.
If this is the only problem (and only you would know if it’s true or not), then removing this obstacle could make him see his future with you as much more positive, enjoyable, and possible.
Building on what you have already established: You have said that you two have been making progress during the separation and have had productive conversations. By all means keep this up. I can’t overstate the importance of building a new foundation and showing her husband new behaviors. I think it would be a very good idea to get some help in conflict resolution. Sometimes this comes through counseling or self help. Regardless of how you do it, I think it’s important to find something that’s very effective, stick with it, and let her husband know that she’s taken the initiative to do it.
Then when the two of you are together, you can make sure he sees that new part of you. You need to see that your personality differences don’t always mean conflict. He needs to see that you can navigate your differences without major problems or stress. Once he does, it will probably be much easier for him to envision a future with you.
Know that this is typical: I know his words are extremely hurtful and may cause you to worry about the future of your marriage. But honestly, a lot of estranged spouses say this kind of thing at first. Perceptions may change as progress begins. Doubts begin to subside. Loving feelings can begin to overshadow permanent problems. When these things happen, your image of the future can naturally improve. At that point, you may no longer have those reservations and doubts.
Yes, this can take time, finesse and patience. But change happens all the time. I know it can be tempting to feel like your situation is hopeless. But that’s really not to your benefit. The best move would be to build on the progress you’ve already made and then add some new abilities and changes to this. Doing so would likely lessen her husband’s doubts and increase her comfort level about her future.
