Who doesn’t love the concept of LOVE? Whether it conjures up images of passionate, romantic love or the kind of deep, soulful love or unconditional love that animals often show us. Any way you look at it, LOVE just feels GOOD! With all the delicious forms it can take, I don’t know a woman who doesn’t want more in her life.
As a coach and speaker, I support women in awakening to their true power and potential. And what I have discovered in my years of working with women is that there is a form of love that is most often overlooked, ignored, or simply rejected: self-love. Self love is truly the most important love we could have in our lives and here’s why. Our relationship with ourselves is the template for all the other relationships we will have in our lives.
All our relationships are based on this main and most important relationship called me. There’s so much research out there that speaks to this truth, so if you’re curious, you can look into psychology or quantum physics or even the law of attraction and they all say the same thing: what happens inside of us has the most impact. in what we experience in life than any circumstance outside of us.
So when it comes to our relationships in the world with our families, friends, co-workers, etc., the relationship we have with ourselves becomes the foundation for how we experience relationships with others. Do we feel accomplished? Are we meeting our needs? Is it a good give and take? All of the answers to these questions actually start within, and they start with how much self-esteem we possess.
Over the past five years, as I have offered transformation programs for women, three themes related to self-love always seem to come up in one way or another. There’s a collective experience women share in our culture that makes us shy away from cultivating more self-love, so here are some tips and tools to grow, develop, and deepen your self-love. And if some part of you already resists even thinking about this, then these are things you definitely want to incorporate into your life!
find out who you really are
One of the most common themes I see for women is that they haven’t figured out who they really are yet. They are too busy trying to be everything to everyone and have not taken the time to ask the question of “who am I?”
While that question can certainly sound vague and overwhelming, it’s essential to ask it. Responses to “Who am I?” lead to discoveries like what really makes me happy and what is authentic to me. Many women have never had a chance to ask these questions, instead choosing to go into predetermined ideas of themselves that may or may not fit.
I have a couple of simple suggestions on how you can find out who you really are. They’re not difficult and you won’t need to sacrifice your next shopping spree to make them! First, see if you can let go of all the things you’ve been taught about who you are and genuinely ask yourself the question “who am I?” So, and this is crucial… listen to the answer. It may come immediately, it may come tomorrow or three weeks from now, but if you are honest and paying attention, you will get an answer.
Then write or ask yourself: “If I had no fear, what would I do? Who would I be?” Again, the most important part is listening to the answer. Finally, ask what roles or identities you are playing that don’t really fit you. The employee role may not allow you to utilize all your creative gifts and talents. Perhaps the girlfriend role comes with some limitations that don’t work for you. I invite you to explore the roles and identities that feel most real and authentic to you. Writing is a great way to do this or ask a close friend to interview you with these questions.
Connect with yourself regularly
Yes, we’ve all heard it many times before, but we’re talking about my time! And not just any moment, but create quality time to connect with yourself in a meaningful way. Now that you’ve figured out who you are, it’s time to celebrate yourself! So ask yourself, what would feel really good?
Some days it might be taking a long bath, other days it might be finding a fabulous new outfit that you feel great in, or some days it might be a massage, a walk in the park, or time with a good book. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as you use that time to connect with yourself and feel good in the process.
When we take time for ourselves, parts of us fill up and take care of ourselves, leaving us more satisfied and content. We release our energy to be more present, available, and better able to show up for the important roles we play in our lives.
When we go, go, go and give, give, give and don’t really stop to take care of all the parts of ourselves – the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical aspects of who we are – we send a signal, deep within ourselves that we are not important, we don’t really matter, or our needs are insignificant. When you take the time to authentically connect and honor all of your parts, see where it leads you. Notice how you begin to feel improvements in how you feel and in your life.
value yourself more
Another theme that I see chronically with women is the undervaluing of themselves. This is seen as over-giving, never asking for what you need or want, feelings of being taken advantage of, not earning or getting paid enough for what you do, and putting yourself at the bottom of your ever-present to-do list.
Once you begin to know who you are in an authentic way and celebrate it, it will no longer seem acceptable to underestimate yourself. And that’s a good thing! We are all valuable in our own unique way and it is time to honor that. As a bonus, the more you value yourself, the more others will value you.
To grow your personal value, view your time, your talents, and your energy as precious assets. They are valuable, not to be given to just anyone, but to be shared with people who will honor and value them in return.
Think about the places in your life where you might be giving away some of your value (time, energy, resources, love, etc.) and it is not received or valued in return. Ask yourself, “How can I value myself more in this situation and ask for what I feel I deserve?” Or maybe you decide that this is a relationship or situation that you no longer want to be a part of. When you do this, you send a signal within yourself and to everyone around you that what you have to offer is valuable. And in doing so, you change your dynamic and become more and more aligned with who you really are.
By incorporating these three ways to grow your self-love, the potential for more love in your life is magnified. And what woman doesn’t want a little more love in her life!?
