Almost everyone has experienced a long distance relationship at some point in their life. Most of us have not been able to keep it up and have broken up, although this may have been a promising relationship. Why is it so? What are the common reasons for breaking up those long distance relationships and how can you make them work?
To begin with, I myself was there. A good friend of mine gave my email address to his wife’s best friend. Shortly after he dropped me a line. So we got to know each other. By email.
The best thing about email communication is that there are no games. At least there shouldn’t be. You can present yourself as the person you are. You can really open up.
So we fell in love just for the people we were. No masks, no shields. But still 2,000 miles away.
Of course, the critical moment was when we met. Would the image we had of each other sync up with the outside image? If you have been dishonest, you will fail at this point. Luckily it worked for us.
Long distance relationships can happen for a number of reasons. Here are some of the common scenarios:
- They met in a chat room or online personal site and eventually realized they were several states away from each other.
- You recently graduated from college and moved back to your hometown and your boyfriend or girlfriend has continued on to college town.
- At work, you have been promoted and sent to a new city for an important program and will be there for several months.
Long distance relationships have advantages and disadvantages. For some, distance is a good help to gradually open up to the relationship without the incessant presence of the partner. The romance stays on because you’re not around the person 24/7 seeing various habits and routines that can become repetitive.
As for the cons, it is very frustrating that there is no intimacy, no hugging, no kissing. At least between meetings. You will experience difficulties connecting because you do not have eye contact and are unable to walk or enjoy dinner together.
On the other hand, that makes meetings much more intense than they would be in a “normal” relationship. It’s the quality, not the quantity.
long distance relationships can work, but there are some rules and guides that you must follow.
Of course, there is also a very important condition without a long-distance relationship that cannot work:
They must have a genuine interest in each other. I mean a deep emotional connection, whether you were together before the spatial separation or met through chat/email. I’m afraid a physical attraction is not enough. That’s why most summer vacation affairs fail in the end.
These are the rules that made my long-distance personal relationship work:
1. Have a relationship plan for the future
Know where you are going. Have a light at the end of the tunnel.
What do you want to achieve in your association? Have goals and a time frame when you want to be together. It is very important that both of you have a hope to live for.
I think this is the most common reason why some long-distance relationships don’t work out: they don’t have a plan, they just hope it works out, a miracle happens. Certainly this also means that you have to make sacrifices. At least one of you.
Realize that you will most likely only have three options: she moves to him, he moves to her, or they both move somewhere else. Start talking about it as soon as you realize that you want to be together. The biggest mistake you can make is to mute it.
2. Meet regularly
Try to see each other at least once every month. Plan this in advance and include some activities, such as city tours, museums, a weekend in a fancy hotel, etc. Make it a celebration, a blast, something very special!
Soon these brief encounters will be something you long for, something you will align your life around.
Remember, you only get a real connection by touching, feeling, and smelling a person. You don’t get smell with email or skype, or that initial Wow you feel inside when you see your love.
So try your best to meet at least once a month.
3. Use modern technologies to communicate
You need all the help you can get, so why not use the glorious benefits of a modern world of communication?
- Get an email account if you don’t have one and write at least one email every day
- Use Skype or something similar to talk to each other for free. Trust me, it’s amazing to watch a movie together while simultaneously talking on Skype.
- Use instant messaging (I recommend Yahoo Messenger)
- Use digital photos and videos of your daily activities and send them via email
- Use a webcam (this I highly recommend)
Using all this electronic stuff will make it so much easier for both of you. Imagine what it was like 100 years ago, when a letter took months.
4. Give yourself a day off
This one-sided communication, I mean without physical interaction, can be very frustrating at times. It is possible that this frustration will later lead to conflicts between you as an outlet for it. This could lead to misunderstandings that are very difficult to resolve by email. Trust me, you don’t want to have a fight over email or on the phone.
Then I found it very helpful to insert a day or two without any communication. What happens then is that they miss each other intensely and are usually at a higher level than before.
If the only form of interaction between you is canceled for a day or two, you will progress or hesitate. In any case you will know where you are standing. This is also a good way to test your long distance relationship.
5. Write long and intimate emails
Open up completely. Write about your inner state, what you feel, what you dream of, what you hope for. As a guideline rule: describe your inner state in your emails and your outer state in your phone calls. Writing is more intense than verbal communication and allows you to be more intimate. That will create a closer bond between you.
The most important thing here is: be honest! Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Don’t put yourself in a better light. Long distance relationships only have a chance if both of you are completely honest and congruent.
6. Send a written letter from time to time
Don’t underestimate the wonderful feeling, when you look in your mailbox and find a letter from your love, you open it and see their writing. This is a pleasure that we often forget in these modern times. Not to mention, it’s much more romantic.
7. Beware of jealousy
Jealousy is a very dangerous thing and can threaten any long distance relationship. Jealousy is commonly a lack of trust and understanding. Very often it reveals insecurities and bad experiences in other relationships.
The key word here is simply: trust. You cannot control and observe your partner, you can only have faith in your relationship and in the things you build together in the times you had. Hold on to that and never give up to that green eyed monster.
Jealousy is one of the most negative and destructive emotions out there! Listen to Shakespeare:
Oh, beware, my lord, of jealousy. It is the green-eyed monster that mocks the meat he feeds on; Happy lives that cuckold who, sure of his destiny, does not love his wrongdoer, but, oh, what damn minutes counts the one who adores, but doubts, suspects, but loves intensely!
8. Avoid dangerous “situations”
As mentioned above, trust is essential. If you completely trust your partner and also have faith in your relationship, you can pretty much do whatever you want without jeopardizing your relationship. However, I recommend avoiding some specific situations. Of course it depends on the person, but I wouldn’t go out alone with the opposite sex, or go to wild parties. Just avoid temptations that could distract you from each other.
Better safe than sorry!
9. Never lose faith
Beware, you will meet with a lot of skepticism. People will tell you that long distance relationships never work, especially those who have had negative experiences with it. Don’t listen to them. People tend to deny the things they failed at. Hear me out: it can definitely work, but you both have to believe it.
10. Always stay positive
Always assume that your partner loves you and cares about you. Never assume anything negative, whether you read something in your emails or didn’t like how you made a weird comment about something. Don’t play too much into it.
The problem with non-face to face communication is the lack of facial expression. It is very easy to misunderstand, but unfortunately it is much more difficult to trust and stay positive.
I assure you that if something went wrong, you will know it.
As you can see, I am definitely positive about long distance relationships. They expose ongoing life lessons and prove that love, loyalty and faith are the vital ingredients for a lasting relationship.
Have faith, have confidence and you will both succeed in the end.
