Matchmaking services have been around since the dawn of time, and my clients ask me if they should give them a try. Then I answer them with this answer …
Also, more than a dozen times a year I speak to a potential customer who has had this particular experience with a matching service or individual. (Also, I’ve heard this response from a casual friend too!)
What I found out was that they had spent $ 5,000 to over $ 10,000 on matchmaking services that promised to introduce them to their true love partner. They are initially excited about the possibilities, however the results end up disappointing at best.
They are presented with a couple of matches that are not at all what they expected. The quality of the people is not up to their standards or the person they are paired with is an absolute fault. And several times they are waiting for a qualified match and do not seem to receive news from the service. Many times the client calls the matchmaker to ask, “Do you have someone for me?”
And then they see their savings go down the toilet and many cry wishing they had not followed that path.
Do not believe me. Go to the Better Business Bureau, Yelp, and other online sources to see any matchmaking services you may be considering using.
In over 13 years of training hundreds of singles who want serious relationships that lead to a long-term relationship or a spouse, only one client has been married through a matchmaking service. Not great odds if you ask me.
And many of my clients have tried matchmaking services before coming to me as a coach.
Let me share with you why coaching works so much better than matchmaking services to help you find love:
1. You are the best expert on what you want and need to be happy in a relationship. Who is better to choose someone who meets your needs and requirements?
2. With coaching, you will be communicating the correct information to your potential partner, as you will have done the deep internal work necessary to identify who would be the right partner for you. You’ll be able to share your critical relationship values and life vision with anyone you date to ensure you’re on the same page. Without training, you may be communicating the same information to your matchmaker about the special someone you want to meet that hasn’t worked for you so far.
3. Finding a soulmate works best when you look at dating in the context of your entire life. We clarify who is the right person for you to meet. This is the essence of who this person is, not superficial things like height or hair color! We can access both internal mentality obstacles and external obstacles, currently beyond your control, that prevent you from knowing your partner. Many times, other areas of your life must change before you are really ready for a life partner.
4. Online dating gives you access to many more people! It is impossible for your matchmaker to have so many people in his network. Ask them how many people in your age range are active in your database. Then ask them how many of those people are paying thousands of dollars to you. And if you have to limit your search to a certain geographic area, this number is much lower.
5. You are spending a fortune to work with these matching services, but most of the candidates that the matchmaker presents to you are not paying a penny! So your candidates haven’t invested as much in the process as you have. So if you are not exactly what they are looking for, then they will not go on a second date. I recommend that you ask your matchmaker about how many paid clients he currently has in your age range (of the particular gender you are interested in and who are paying the same amount of money as you.
6. It can be intimidating (and a lot of pressure) for someone to know that they are spending this amount of money to find a partner. And especially if you are a woman who is using a matchmaker, I think most men would easily freak out. I have seen this with my clients who have tried matching services.
7. Matchmaking services work best for men in their 40s and 50s and women in their 30s and 40s who are aiming to marry for the purpose of having a family. Here time is a critical issue. I don’t recommend it if you are out of that range. Most people don’t have the “My time is valuable” motivation.
8. People who come to coaching are willing to learn and grow as individuals. That is much more attractive to a potential partner. Those who use a matchmaker want other people to do the work and selection for them. Many have not carefully considered why they are not meeting people on their own. The same reason why a person does not connect with a partner, leading to a long-term relationship when trying to meet people on their own, will not be different when they have a date set up by a matchmaker. There have been no changes in his focus or development of his self-awareness. For dating, you need to understand the mechanics of how people connect!
9. Coaches schedule regular appointments with you an agreed number of times a month. Coaching provides responsibility and ongoing support to the client. How many people can your matchmaker really serve at the same time? Will you get their full attention? And if a great candidate shows up, will you be matched or offered matchmaking to someone else who works on the matchmaking service? Will they offer that potential combination to more than one customer at a time? If so, are you really competing with your other clients for available candidates? Whose responsibility is it to follow up with you and how often will you hear from them about potential new matches?
10. Most matchmakers do not have any professional coach training. Would you go to a lawyer who did not go to law school and pass the bar? Would you go to a therapist who did not get your license or graduate degree? Did you know that a certified matchmaker goes to a 3-day training to get their certification at a conference for Matchmakers? Most certified professional life coaches are trained for more than 50 hours and then must take an extensive exam to become certified. I went to the Coach Training Institute for almost 2 years. I passed both my Coach Training Institute exam and the International Coach Federations exam to earn my CPCC and PCC certifications. Both are highly respected certifications in the coaching profession. And then I got more training at the Right Relationship Center. All of this is over 100 hours of coach training. Ask your Matchmaker about their specific training and certifications and what that entails. And are they even married themselves?
The problem that occurs with matchmaking services is twofold:
1. Most of my clients need to do the inner work first before they are really ready to meet their true love partner. Coaching makes sure they are looking for the right person and helps them better understand who would be a good partner for them in the first place. So when they just go to a matchmaker, they haven’t changed a thing – themselves or who they think they’re looking for. Many times it is necessary to refine who you are attracting and discover who really is the right partner for you.
2. If you find someone you think has potential, the matchmaker doesn’t have the interest or the skills to help you get to exclusivity and then compromise. They are looking for their next matchmaking client. And most of my clients have benefited greatly from our coaching once in a relationship to bring them to a higher level of commitment and ensure their needs are met in this new relationship. Since my clients value the life coaching approach to relationships, many train for an average of a year or more to gain support in all areas of their life (their career too!).
In the 13 years that I have been training, only one client has been successful in meeting their spouse with the help of a matchmaking service. She had already been training with me for about six months when she was introduced to her husband. Thanks to the training, she was able to recognize him as a good candidate for her. Her matchmaker received a list of her values that we created in her values clarification session, as well as other relevant information that described the type of man she wanted to meet. And she was in her early 40s and still wanted a family that, as I mentioned, is one of the perfect clients for matchmakers. Even after meeting her man, she continued to train with me for about 2 years and after her engagement to help her get through the issues they were facing in their relationship that needed to be resolved.
I met my husband when I was working with a coach. At 40 I had signed up for two dating services. Yes, he was motivated. I wanted to get married and have a family in the worst way.
I did not meet my husband through a matchmaking service, although I did spend a considerable amount of money to try.
I leave my husband on my own. I almost miss it. With my coach I developed a strategy to avoid wasting time dating the wrong men.
It was my coach who encouraged me to look further and challenge my limiting beliefs and assumptions about him. Then when I met Alan, we met with my coach and he helped us get to the place where we would be ready to consider marriage.
So my recommendation is that you find a professional life coach who specializes in dating and relationships. Someone with experience and who has helped hundreds to get there. Someone who has been married and knows what it takes to make a relationship work. Someone who has a good understanding of the dating scene – how to meet people both online and in person.
I would hire the best lawyer or doctor if necessary. Finding your partner is one of the most important decisions of your life. Don’t leave it to a hobbyist.
The decisions of your life are too important for you to do that. Unfortunately, I’ve seen many smart people get carried away by the appeal of having matchmaking services do the fieldwork for them. And the end results were disappointing, if not devastating.
You Can Do This: Instead of relying on a matchmaking service, I can show you how to simplify your dating efforts so that you can find that special someone sooner rather than later. And you will feel empowered to take this positive action on your behalf. If the Motivated to Marry Dating Secrets coaching approach appeals to you, then I look forward to hearing from you.
Wishing you the best in life and in love,
Coach Amy
