Presence. Your presence. It is the best gift you can give your child. Most parents spend their entire lives manager their children, planning events, grooming and educating them, however, few really enter the hearts of their children. being fully here is the key to enter your child’s heart.
So what does it mean to be fully present? It means we stop the constant chatter in our minds that keeps us reflecting on past events and planning, fearing, and anticipating future events. It means we stop judging our child’s behavior and trying to make him who we think he is. ought be, and be curious about who your is, here and now, at this moment. It means we pay attention to how us feel inside and allow ourselves to feel that deep connection with our son. Instead of unconsciously pushing his little arms and legs on his bed, while reviewing the day’s schedule in our minds, we bring our love and attention to the little person in front of us, talk to him, shower him with love, and treat him with the greatest I respect.
It is important to maintain this habit of being present and connecting with our children as they grow. Instead of running past them in the hallway, take a moment to stop, gaze lovingly into their eyes, and acknowledge their presence.
It’s easy to get so busy managing our child that we forget to treat him like a real person. Children long to be treated with the same kind of love and respect that we show our friends. In a seminar I gave on “Communicating with Children”, a woman shared the following story with me:***One day, while she was busy doing housework, the doorbell rang. You can imagine my surprise when I opened the front door to see my four-year-old son standing there. “Jonathon, get in here!” I said automatically. But Jonathon acted as if he hadn’t heard me and said, “Hello, Ruth! How are you? I’ve come for tea.” “Jonathon,” I started to protest and he cut me off again. “I’ve come for tea, Ruth,” he repeated insistently.
Suddenly it was as if I had been struck by lightning and I understood what I was doing. He just wanted to be treated like one of my friends and this was his way of telling me. So I changed my tune and respectfully invited him inside. The two of us went upstairs to the kitchen, poured ourselves some tea (although I think he opted for hot chocolate) and had a short chat, person to person, friend to friend. The talk didn’t last long, but the lesson he taught me has lasted a lifetime. That was almost 15 years ago, and even today we are more than mother and son, we are also good friends.” Quality time with our child means being present in body, mind and spirit and connecting with that child in the things we do with him. It won’t take longer to do those things. In fact, we can save ourselves and our child a lot of irritation and frustration when we take moments each day to deepen our bond.
How much time do you spend trying to get your child to listen? “How do I get my son to listen to me?” is the theme song to so many exasperated parents. The truth of the matter is that the only real authority you have in your child’s life is the one she is willing to give you. That disposition is based on her attachment and connection to you. Developing that attachment means being consciously present with your child in the many things he does.
Instead of yelling from the next room and telling your child to stop running…and then yelling over and over again…while your child continues to run and ignore, try to connect with your child physically and lovingly. Literally stop her in her tracks, kneel down to her level, and let her know that she can run outside or play quietly inside. Connect with her and wait for her to make a decision and then lovingly accompany her outdoors or to a quiet activity indoors.
If we think about it, it’s our own irritability and frustration that weakens our bond with our child and encourages him to ignore us. That irritability, impatience, and frustration are the result of our own resistance at this time. It’s because we’re not there, and our irritability and resistance right now keeps us frustrated and disconnected from our child. We try to change our son’s behavior; thought so our irritability will disappear. However, our children simply mirror our irritability or ignore it in self-defense, and we end up more frustrated than before.
The key is to remind ourselves that we have the power to change our own inner environment by becoming fully aware of how we are feeling right now. As Ekhardt Tolle rightly points out in his wonderful book, The power of Now, our power lies only in this moment. We choose how to respond to each situation we encounter. Most of us unconsciously resist the present moment in the hope of reaching something better.
“But what if the current moment is filled with the piercing moans of a child screaming in my ear?” you ask. As stressful as it may be, is possible to keep calm inside and just send love. Children feel our vibration more than they hear our words or threats. So focus on staying calm and present. Take a deep breath and see how long it takes you to feel calm. The mathematical answers of the heart Studies show that breathing as though it were through the heart significantly calms the entire system. His attention to his own inner world will bring him into the moment and help him connect with and calm his son.
It’s easy to get so lost in the roles, rules, and obligations of parenthood that we forget to really enjoy our children. We are so busy instructing them on proper manners and trying to control their behavior that we miss out on truly connecting with them.
At some point, the idea occurred to us that our job was to control our children. So instead of taking the time to just be with them, to really get to know who they are and what makes them tick, we embark on a quest to control their behavior and mold them into who we think they should be. (Or maybe who do we think we should have been?)
One of the best ideas I have ever received came from a participant in my 9 ways to bring out the best in you and your child parenting career. I will leave it with you now, as I believe it reveals the key to your son’s heart. She said: “I finally figured out why I was having so much trouble with Jeremy… neither strategy really seemed to work… you see, I thought correcting was more important than connecting, but now I know – connecting is more important than correcting!”
