I recently received an email from a wife whose husband had become increasingly distant and cold towards her. She had started hinting that maybe they should try a trial separation or take some space from each other. Of course, this was the exact opposite of what the wife wanted. In her mind, the best case scenario was for the two of them to come together, work things out, and weather the storm as a team.
But the more the wife makes her position clear to the husband, the more he distances himself from her. It was as if affection for her and longing for her were just turnoffs at this point. The wife was not sure what strategy she should take. More and more, she looked like she was going to take the space with her or without her blessing. But she suspected that once he started pulling away from her, he would never get back to her. So, she was understandably resistant to this.
Actually, there is a reasonable happy medium where both people can at least get some of what they want. And the outcome will usually give you the best chance of getting your husband back to you, back to the marriage, and back on board to make things better. I will discuss this more in the next article.
Sometimes the further a husband pushes you away, the more you are tempted to draw him to you: This is just human nature that is most commonly driven by fear. Afraid to let it slip away, you only hold on tighter. But, if you are not receptive to this, then your inclination will be to intensify your efforts to escape and break free. You run the risk of seeing you as something too limited and from which you must escape. This is not the position you probably want to put yourself in.
If this is the scenario you find yourself in, it’s often in your best interest to change the dynamics of this as soon as possible. You really can’t let him see you as something that stands between him and his happiness or freedom. Usually you will have to configure it to suspect or expect that both can exist at the same time.
Changing things when you can feel it moving away from you: Trust me when I say that I completely understand your reluctance and your fear. I was in this situation and I remember exactly how scared, insecure and vulnerable it left me feeling. But, I also know firsthand that if you present yourself as the person who is so scared that has so little to offer that they will leave you and never come back, then you are coming from a place or a weakness rather than a strength. .
If you present yourself this way, your husband will often find you unattractive. After all, in his mind, why else would you be so afraid to give him some time and space? In fact, he will seem much more attractive and attractive if he can show confidence in himself and in his love for you. It’s much better to say something like “listen, I love you and I want you to be happy. Of course you can take as much time as you need. I could probably use the same time to fix things on my end. Along with this way, we can check in and see where to go from there.”
As risky as it sounds, you’ve accomplished a lot here. You’ve presented yourself as someone who wants him to be happy, not as someone he sees as getting in the way of his happiness. And you’ve set it up so that you have access to it during the time you’re apart. (In some situations, he doesn’t even need to leave to accomplish this.) Also, he has hinted that he will take time for you too. This will make him wonder a bit, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Preparing things so that you get him to return to you willingly: Often when women ask me how they can “make” their husbands come back to them, I have to explain that you can’t really “make” someone do what they really resist. Even if you are able to do it, they will resent you. But, what you can do is set up the environment and circumstances so that it is conducive to making them want to come back.
You can do this by portraying yourself with dignity and positive emotions. Whatever you do, don’t dwell on the negative. Try to show him the vibrant, happy-go-lucky, laid-back woman he probably fell in love with. You don’t want to show him the fearful, insecure, and feisty person you may be feeling right now. You want the atmosphere to be happy when you are together. Don’t put extra pressure on the situation. Don’t jingle. Don’t ask for guarantees. It is very important that you show confidence that everything will work out in the end.
Often this attitude will intrigue the husband and he will want to spend more time with you to see what caused this change of heart. And when she does, the best thing she can do is continue to move slowly and not let her guard down until you’re both equally committed and ready to start over.
