I can usually separate the emails I receive from wives whose husbands have just left into two camps: those who had advance warning and suspected this day might one day come, and those who were completely caught off guard and left in a state of disbelief. of disbelief. Yesterday I received an email from one of those wives. She was completely shocked and said her husband’s departure “came out of nowhere.” She thought her marriage was good enough. Sure, they had their issues just like everyone else and yes, things had been a bit tense lately, but she believed they would work it out like they always had in the past.
He was having trouble processing his departure and formulating a plan for what to do next. She did not want to end her marriage and saw doing so as the worst case scenario and last resort. But, she had no idea how to approach him, as her departure said a lot about how she felt about herself. In the next article, I will describe how I told her to better handle this situation in light of her desire to save her marriage (when she was the only one who wanted to at the time).
Being proactive vs reactive: It is absolutely normal and understandable to be devastated and react strongly in this situation. But I warn you to try to be moderate when she is around her or talking to her husband. It’s okay to part with her friends or family. It is perfectly understandable to walk on the ground until you are naked. But, don’t let her husband witness this. Her goal at this point should be to encourage him to feel negative feelings while he is away from you (about the situation, not about you), while he feels positive feelings when he thinks about you. This is the combination of feelings that will make you want to come home.
So, as angry as you are and as tempting as it may be to demand answers or yell at how selfish this is of him, try to master these things or at least tone them down. It’s okay to tell her that this has hurt you deeply and that ultimately you hope it will come out with your marriage still intact. It’s not okay (at least if you want to save your marriage) to proclaim that you can’t live without him or give him an ultimatum or interrogate him.
Sure, you deserve answers, but you’re more likely to get them if you approach him trying to figure this out to see if you can work it out together rather than demanding answers so you can debate this with him and finally change. his mind. Honestly, the sooner he can stir his feelings and come to a place of calm so he can formulate a rational plan, the better off he’ll be.
Allow your strength, dignity and self-respect to manifest:Always keep in mind what men generally find attractive. A wife who is not self-sufficient and depends on them for her own happiness and survival will feel very suffocating after a while. I have husbands in this situation who write to me and often describe a wife who is literally stalking them: constantly calling, showing up at their work, following them around, acting completely sweet for a second, and then, in the blink of an eye, turning completely mad. . This is a huge turn off and this behavior just makes the husband want to stay away.
Conversely, if she is able to harness her quiet strength and confidence and can present herself as a strong, self-respecting woman, capable of taking care of herself (although she would rather have her husband), this will often do. that a husband takes a break. And, to take it one step further, I often tell women to wait a few days and then tell their husbands that although they were initially devastated, after some time to think about it, they decided that some time apart might be good for them. both of them. right. Now, I’m not telling you to imply that you’re going to do something you’ll both regret. No problem. However, sometimes it is helpful for her husband to know that she is not sitting around waiting in vain for him to return. He needs to know that you’re perfectly capable of going on and picking up the pieces without him, even though you’d like to have him with you if you had that option.
Know when is the right time to broach the subject of your return: If you don’t remember anything else from this article, I’d like you to remember this. Always force yourself to move slower than you want. Her best scenario is to show her husband her strengths, her dignity, and her best qualities during this break. Often when you act opposite to what he expects, he becomes curious and starts contacting you and starting more time together. Don’t go overboard and let your guard down or revert to old behaviors. It is much better to let him come to you. When he does, don’t start asking him where he’s taking him or pressuring him to recommit. If he does, alarm bells will ring that he has been manipulating you all along. Let him be the one to ask you if he can come back. This is really the only way to make sure that his heart is in it and that he is truly as committed as you are to saving the marriage.
