Many of the people I hear from reach out because they are dealing with a spouse who has left them. There are many reasons for this. Sometimes there are definable issues within a marriage that definitely need to be resolved. But other times, spouses leave for more vague reasons, which can make things particularly frustrating and difficult. An example of this is a spouse leaving because they “just aren’t happy.”
The spouse who has stayed behind might say, “My husband started complaining about how unhappy he was about nine months before he left. So I knew he was probably going to leave me in search of his elusive happiness. It just takes a lot to make this man happy. I’m starting to think he’s the type of person who’s determined to find fault with everything. Besides, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to make him happier when I don’t even live with him and can’t see him every day. We met for coffee last week and I have to admit he seemed a little more lively than the last time I saw him. I made a comment outside he told me he didn’t know of any couples who reconciled after one of them left unhappily. My husband said we know very few separated couples anyway. and he was making a silly generalization. I’m not sure why he induces me this way. Clearly he wouldn’t come back to me until it’s happy. And, as far as I can tell, someone’s happiness is not something the other spouse can fix. I mean, if I was a nasty, judgmental wife and this was driving my husband crazy, then that’s something I could fix. But I can’t fix that he is generally an unhappy person. I guess my real question is do spouses who leave for vague reasons, like not being happy, ever come back? Because I honestly can’t imagine my husband proclaiming that he’s suddenly happy when there’s nothing he can do to fix the problem anyway.”
I know how frustrating this must be for you. You feel like you’re trying to tackle something you can’t even see, let alone fix. But it might help to know that I’ve heard of couples who reconciled after one spouse left due to general unhappiness or a general feeling that her life could be better. And, my own husband returned and we are still married today when at least one of the reasons he left was vague unhappiness.
From my own observations, here are some common reasons couples end up making up when one of them leaves due to unhappiness.
The unhappy spouse receives counseling or seeks other help: If your spouse is unhappy for reasons that have very little to do with your marriage (which is certainly not out of the question), then, as you know, it’s very hard for you to turn things around. But someone who is qualified and trained to deal with this can definitely turn things around. Seeing a specialist who can get to the heart of the problem and offer a real change in perspective can be life-changing. And once these spouses begin to experience true happiness again, they are often much more receptive to their marriage. This change does not always occur through formal advice. Sometimes the unhappy spouse chooses to go the self-help route or trusts a priest or other qualified third party.
The unhappy spouse sees that living alone did not increase their level of happiness: Sometimes people project a lot of their problems onto their marriages. The core problem of your spouse’s unhappiness may actually be stress, your job, or undiagnosed depression. But he assumes it’s you or the couple because those things are easy targets. Fortunately, however, he sometimes leaves those things only to discover that he is not happier or that he is actually more unhappy alone. And once he realizes this, then there really is no reason to continue the separation.
“Unhappiness” is code for legitimate marital problems that are addressed: Sometimes people will tell you they’re not happy when they’re actually reacting to a problem that might actually have a name. For example, a husband might tell her that he’s just not happy when what she really means is that she sometimes feels lonely in her own marriage because neither of them is as caring or perceptive as she could be.
So what sometimes happens is that one or both of you will work on these things during the separation. And your spouse will notice the changes and come to believe that the problems have been solved or greatly improved. With the major issues out of the way, then it’s safe to come home to a new and improved marriage.
This happened in my case. Before leaving, my husband had no qualms about lamenting and showing his unhappiness. But this did nothing to give me insight into the fact that he was feeling somewhat abandoned by a spouse who had a huge workload and was struggling under pressure (while taking it out on him). I had to do a lot of research and asking open ended questions before I could determine what the real problem was. Once I was able to address this, things got better. Because his lack of happiness wasn’t really the problem, it was a very specific problem in our marriage.
