On many occasions, with the arrival of adolescence, mothers and many fathers tend to relax control over their children because they consider that it is no longer as necessary as when they were younger. However, like affection, setting limits is still very important during adolescence, and when these are missing, boys and girls are likely to feel disoriented and think that their parents are no longer interested in them. On the other hand, the absence of control, rules and limits, is closely related to the appearance of some behavior problems such as antisocial and criminal behavior or the abusive consumption of drugs and alcohol. Here are some suggestions on rules and limits.
1. The limits must be clear, reasoned and justified
It is very important that we do not authoritatively impose the limits and rules that regulate family life and the behavior of our children, both at home and abroad. You must talk to them, find out their point of view, explain the reasons for a certain norm, and change it when we are convinced that it is unfair. Involving children in decision making about boundaries does not mean giving up parental rights, but it will be a way of acknowledging that they are growing and maturing, and that they have a right to participate in decisions that affect them.
2. We must be flexible
You have to adjust the rules and limits to your children’s needs and abilities as they grow. The necessary limits for a 10-year-old boy and girl should not be the same as for a 13-year-old, and even less so if you have a 15-year-old son or daughter. Excess control is as bad as its absence, so little by little we must give them more freedom to act and make decisions.
3. We must be coherent and consistent in terms of limits
Sometimes we feel overwhelmed or tired and we allow our children some behavior that, at another time, we do not tolerate. But it is important that we maintain standards and limits, and sanctions against non-compliance, regardless of our state of mind. It is also important that there is an agreement between the parents when it comes to setting limits and punishments. Even if we sometimes disagree with our partner, we must resolve our differences in private and show the same opinion to our children.
4. If the rules are not followed, punish
First of all, it is convenient to remain calm and not react emotionally. So we must calmly listen to the justification given by our children. Finally, there will be times when it will be appropriate to sanction their behavior. It is important that children understand that it is their behavior that is being rejected and not them. However, there may be alternatives to punishment, and showing them how disappointed you are in their behavior or lack of trust in them. Another possibility is not to punish them and make them experience the consequences of their mistakes.
